In My Brokenness

Psalm 51:10

“Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.”

Have you ever fallen to your knees and just begged God to please change your heart?

This happened to me the other evening. Joe and I had just finished having our fourth disagreement of the week. With mine and Joe’s upcoming move, I was stressed and to say I was on edge would be an understatement.

As Joe and I were packing and discussing things about the move, I shared with him how I was feeling. Immediately, he jumped in and began providing solutions, reassuring me that “we got this”. While I appreciated his optimism, I didn’t appreciate the fact that I felt like he was completely dismissing how I was feeling. Every time I tried to explain, he interrupted me. Slowly tears began streaming down my face. Lashing out in hurt and anger, I told Joe that he did not respect me, love me or value me. Joe stood there in bewilderment.

I put down the stuff I was packing, walked into the bedroom and climbed into bed. A few minutes later, Joe walked into the bedroom, despite my outburst, and began rubbing my head. Feeling ashamed of my behavior, I dug my head deeper into my pillow. Joe continued to rub my head, showing me not only forgiveness, but unconditional love, which is not something I was used to from others in my life. I knew immediately that the root of the issue was not him, but how past relationships made me feel dismissed and unloved. I couldn’t believe that I allowed past hurts and bitterness to bubble up to the surface and take up space in mine and Joe’s relationship. In that moment I felt so broken and defective.

I got out of bed, kneeled and began crying to God, asking for forgiveness and to please clean my heart. Thankfully, as Psalm 51:10 reminds us, God is willing to do so through the love He has for us, despite our flaws or mistakes. God will remove any impurities that are in our hearts and fill it with nothing but love, allowing His grace and mercy to transform us so that we can walk in His ways.